You Can Have It All, But Not At Once; Beware of False Idolizing
Dispelling the myth that one can excel at motherhood and entrepreneurship at the same time. I'm about to burst your bubble.
There is a pervasive myth circulating in social media that female entrepreneurs or boss babes can also mother well while shooting for conventional success in their business. By conventional success I mean, making a bunch of money and using it to elevate one’s capacity to consume (usually luxury items). Interestingly, this phenomenon in New Age circles has been spiritualized and labelled “abundance” or “an abundant mindset” or “I get to have it all”.
The problem with this is, when you say yes to something, you are inevitably saying no to something else. This doesn’t mean you’re not abundant, it means you’re a human being living in this Earthly realm with it’s inherent limitations. A limitation is not a punishment. It is a structure that can guide you toward the highest expression of your soul. And so, when I see women who straddle motherhood and entrepreneurship fall for the misbelief that they can continue “killing it” at their business, making hundred of thousands, even million dollars from their offering while also claiming they are a fully involved and present mother to their children - I notice something smelling off. (I have also actually never, ever seen this done)
Now, I recognize in the realm of possibility some of these so called boss babes have made a good living and can perhaps give the stewardship of their business baby over to another person (or give it away) so they can focus on the joys and demands of mothering - especially in the precious and formative first seven years of a child’s life. I admittedly see less examples of this - in fact, I can’t think of anyone.
There are boss babes like Lacey Phillips from To Be Magnetic who recently advertised for a full-time Nanny to care-take for her toddler and newborn and help to run her home so she can resume running her empire three months after she’s due to give birth in May. Her application called for a unicorn of a caretaker which she will no doubt manifest and yet the one thing this person cannot BE is the actual mother.
Call me old fashioned, but I truly do believe that Motherhood in the early years is the most sacred work of all. It is more than care-taking. It’s effecting the heart and soul of the very child that chose YOU to mother them, for the REST OF THEIR LIFE. And even though I’m a fan of Rudolf Steiner and raise my babe’s according to their Human Design and one might find a care-taker to do “all the right things” I know nothing matters more to a babe, toddler and young child than the heart-felt presence and emotional availability of their mother. How can a woman possibly provide this when she’s choosing to “go back to work” three months postpartum, or sooner? And let’s be honest, when it comes to running an empire or working to survive, that’s a lot of time away from the home.
I continue to see Yolande Norris Clarke film videos, run workshops with her newborn on her boob or whisking of her off to their nanny or her father. I can’t help but feel the message she is sending to her daughter is that she’s not as important as “mommy’s online business”. This is obviously my projection, but I also suspect there to be some truth in this. (Gabor Mate might agree with me on that one.) These are certainly “creative” ways to straddle entrepreneurship and motherhood and they will come with a cost.
Personally, I find it curious when women of means who have families prioritize work over their families. It seems like one of life’s kinks when there are women who would love to be at home raising their children but feel they have no choice but to work. I suppose this confounds me because I deeply value family and know I am responsible for creating a safe and honest home where everyone is free to be themselves and relate to one another healthily and in love - and this is inextricably linked to choosing to engage in skin-to-skin contact, having births which are not interfered with, slowing down, breastfeeding when possible, prioritizing time in arms, co-sleeping and being present with the big feelings our littles have. It’s a tall order! Which is why so many of us make compromises. And yet, we must be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that every compromise we make has a cost. Sometimes the cost is worth it. And sometimes not. Only our hearts can know the answer. I have definitely failed to maintain my ideals as a mother, and yet, I choose to commit whole heartedly to being the matriarch of my family above all else because I know the impact I’m going to have on my family and my children will ripple out into the world and generate a more profound impact than my mind could possibly conjure. I share more about the personal decisions I’ve made in the audio below the paywall and the grief of “letting go” of my former Human Design business and the identity I had attached to that.
Perhaps it was my own upbringing that inspires my choices. My mum was no boss babe, she was a single mum who worked 6 days a week and I felt every bit of her absence and she’s grown to regret her choice even though she felt she had no choice at the time. On the other hand, I have VERY loving and fond memories of my grandmother who raised me in my mother’s absence. And for me, it was a blessing and truly the most loving decision my mother could have made for me.
What would love do? We must ask ourselves this question. And given we are all on such unique journeys, the answer to that will likely vary immensely between us.
I am, of course, only speculating on the very outside of what I see, but knowing HOW much energy I devote to mothering (it feels like my soul’s greatest work, so I’m all in!) I honestly cannot imagine also running a “conventionally” successful empire, (even though I secretly wanted this at another juncture in my life) with a team of people and consistent social media appearances every day, making a bunch of content and heading the entire operation WITHOUT compromising my capacity to mother well.
We need a village, we need support! And whether that’s our family, friends or employing people to assist the family - help is a requisite for one or both of these pursuits.
There is no shame or judgment here, but simply an invitation into honest inquiry. Is your soul lit up to serve others through your entrepreneurial offerings or is your soul here to serve your children and thereby others because of the inevitable impact you will have on them. Both of these leave a legacy - the biggest difference is one gets an awful lot of external praise and validation for its efforts with the other is essentially thankless. How much of wanting one is your ego and how much of it is your soul?
One of the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “always do your best” - and it is just not possible to be the best at any one thing if we are straddling too many things at once. Perhaps over the course of our life we get to have it all; the season of success, the season of great romance, the season of motherhood, etc - let’s not delude ourselves by biting off more than we can chew.
Who and what are you truly responsible for and does that align to the truth of your soul? What can you do to get right with yourself and God?
Teal Swan touches on this in this podcast - admitting she decided not to have any more children because she knew she couldn’t mother well and be the leader she’s been asked to be in this lifetime. I find her honestly refreshing.
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